Are you over your ex? Are you sure?
I was recently talking with a young brotha who was finding it hard to let go of a relationship, so I passed along some information to help him along his journey. I have much respect for this young man for recognizing the situation he's in and that his happiness will come from his ability to face the truth.
It also brought to mind that I've come across many dudes that are still stuck on their ex, yet they fail to recognize it themselves. From them still having intimate pictures up in their living rooms to talking about them in every breath. And the sad part is that they themselves are blocking their own blessings by not being able to fully recognize the new person that may have been brought into their lives. So I'm posting this article for anyone that may be finding it hard to let go and find someone after a love they have lost.
Are you over your ex? Are you sure?
By Alonna Friedman
The Big Breakup is behind you and your old flame is presumably purged from your life. You're dating again, but why haven’t you met anyone worth a leg wax? You're vibrant, attractive and thoughtful. Why aren’t you clicking with anyone? Um, hello, you’re not over your ex! Your friends can see it—and your dates probably sense it, too. The only one who doesn't get it is you!
"We often don't see that we are not ready [to date again] because we're trying to be strong and protect ourselves," says Gilda Carle, Ph.D., author of Don’t Bet on the Prince! How to Have the Man You Want By Betting On Yourself. "Women want immediate gratification to heal wounds, so now that guy X is gone, bring on guy Z." Getting involved with someone new only works if your ex is out of your system.
So how do you know you're emotionally prepped to take a chance on love? These guidelines will help gauge your dating ability. You're ready if:
1. His name is no longer part of your lexicon. "You need to talk about your ex to process the breakup and exorcise him from your mind," says Rhonda Findling, author of Don't Call That Man: A Survival Guide to Letting Go. "But if you still make references to him months down the line, you're still preoccupied." That goes for praising him and badmouthing him.
2. You've erased all signs of him. Any reminder, no matter how cute or fuzzy, will let the relationship specter haunt you. Take those photos, the stuffed monkey, and the cheap necklace and hide them in the back of the closet. Even less obvious bits of the past can keep you from moving forward. "I deleted his number from my cell because it came right before my mom's so I saw his name all the time," says Carla, 28, of New York City. "Then I got rid all the voicemails I had saved."
3. Reminders of him don't cause pain. Some things you can't put up in the closet. Whether it's the song you danced to when "I love you" was first uttered or hearing someone order his favorite sandwich in a deli, you should no longer get weepy. Lots of people like roast beef on rye. It's okay if you're prompted to remember him briefly, but sad thoughts should not prevail.
4. He has a new girlfriend—and you’re happy about that. "I heard my ex was seeing someone new and I was jealous at first," says Marie, 29, of San Diego, CA. "It was only when I stopped feeling sick to my stomach that I knew I was 100 percent over him." When you feel genuinely happy that he has moved on, it's time for you to do the same.
5. You stop comparing new men to your ex. "You can blame it on lack of chemistry, but if you aren't ready to start a new relationship, you'll come up with any excuse for why the date was bad," says Findling. You are over him when you can peg a bad date as just that — bad — and not blame the guy for failing to live up to your ex.
6. Having the weekend to yourself feels fine. When your other half is gone, being alone feels dreadful. How can you get through that unstructured time without that special someone by your side? But eventually that anxious outlook fades. "Weekends were always for couple time, so it was hard to be single on Sundays," says Linda, 32, of Englewood, NJ. "Then one day I woke up and was so relieved that I could enjoy some peace and quiet." Once being solo is as appealing as being a duo, you'll have better luck finding another (better-suited) partner.
Not over him yet? Three tricks to get you on track
1. Think negative thoughts. To edge closer to your "I'm so over him" status, remind yourself of all the things you couldn't stand (Why couldn't he shut up during movies?). Even better, ask your friends to remind you. They'll probably have plenty of ammo.
2. Get your new support system going. Got a new job offer? The ex may be the first one to pop into your head to call for advice, but don't—call your sister instead. Rent going up again? Complain to a coworker. You need to reprogram who you turn to for support and advice so your brain can really erase his presence.
3. Dream up your fantasy man. We all think about what we (or he) could have done differently to make the relationship work. But rather than harping on "what if's," make a list of your top five dreamy characteristics in a future boyfriend. And share them the next time you're out with the girls. Who knows? Maybe they've got just the guy for you.
Comments
But what about when you and your ex have tried 3 times totalling 9 years--we ran a business and raised 3 teen-agers. We came to an amicable break up the final time, and we are best of friends. He now has a successful career in NY and I am doing the same in GA--why delete numbers and throw away pictures. I did that along tome ago after the first time, but now its like throwing the baby out with the bathwater. This may be the necessary solution for some, but I do not think it is the only solution for all.
Posted by: Marty | January 4, 2006 05:53 PM
It's almost a year of break up after a 4 1/2 year rlationship. Living together for 3 years. I'm not over my ex. My ex says she is in a new rltionship
and happy but she calls me telling me that she misses me. She will not make a move and get back with me. If she were to dream up her dream man, it is me. I tried for 6 mos to get back w/ her but no cigar. She only lied to b w/ someone else. Why does she keep calling me? It is disturbing that she keeps calling talking about she misses me but will not return. I don't call her ever..even if she calls. We were really tight. we lived together, traveled, worked and hung out together..still giving the other person room to hang with other friends. We enjoyed alot of the same things. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel because I purposely stayed single before that until I met someone I had many interest with.
Posted by: LeGrande | February 8, 2006 05:46 PM
I just got out of a relationship of 1 year and I'm believe I have a issue of getting over my ex, because he did the breaking up not me, and I FEEL cheated.. I know he is not the one for me, because he smoke..Yuck, he loves to club every week ..tiring. and he don't not like to talk about me and my interest..boring. But I miss the sex and his smile.. But I know deep now that I can do better and deserve better. I've tried the negative thoughts etc.. still no dice..
Posted by: Darryl | March 9, 2006 06:34 PM
hello i have a question my daughter just started dating this guy for two weeeks and his ex teeps calling him they where livivng together he say for 8mos and then she brokeup noe that he is dating my daughter she keep callin him and now the mother is calling him too i am worried my daughter will get hurt in yhe end this guy is not over his ex the way i see it but how can i help my daughter so i is not left out in the cooled at the end please help
Posted by: theresa | March 31, 2006 01:53 AM
In 2000 my ex, with whom I was madly in love broke up. Well it was very hard for me and took me until spring '05 to "get over" him. Well, I ran into him Oct. of '05 and he still gave me buttaflies. We talked some things out and kicked it for about a month and then one beautiful day I realized, that I was truly over him. I realized that I had actually grown..and it felt wonderful.
Posted by: ricky | May 4, 2006 04:37 PM
I recently broke up with my ex of 5 years, we have a business together & currently are flat mates. Our romantic relationship was not meant to be, since this discovery, we have been able to communicate as great friends and it has been the best therapy. We discuss everthing and anything and because no emotional/romantic attachment exists anymore, we are able to be completely and utterly honest with out neither of us throwing up our defence walls. In any relationship breakup, you can talk to your family and friends all you like but the bottom line is that no 2 people know exactly what existed in a relationship behind those closed doors except you & your ex. Our ability to maintain a strong professional environment whilst heal ourselves has made us incredibly respectful of each other. Seeing him with another girl for the first time will no doubt resurface some form of emotions but he is a great guy & just because he's not the one for me, I will wish him all the happiness in the world..
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